Japan can be an absolute minefield when it comes navigating social code, and that is most evident when it comes to formal occasions such as weddings and funerals.
Take weddings, for example.
In Japan, it is customary for wedding attendees to give congratulatory money to the bride and groom. This money is called 'goshugi'. Now, that sounds simple enough, right? You decide on an appropriate amount, pop it in a nice-looking envelope, and voilà!
But not so fast!
There are numerous rules to follow, in order not to inadvertently offend the wedding couple, despite all your good intentions:
First, there is the 'tiny' matter of choosing the appropriate amount: This largely depends on one's relationship with the bride and groom, but can also differ depending on one's age. But never should the amount start with a 4, 6 or 9, because these are considered unlucky numbers in Japan. 'Four' because one of its pronunciations sounds like the word for 'death'. 'Six' because it can be pronounced like the word 'nothingness'. And 'nine' because it can sound like the word for 'suffering' or 'torture'. All things that you obviously wouldn't want to wish upon a couple at the start of their happy life together, would you?
That already severely limits the options of how much you can give, without blowing your budget, but at the same time not looking too stingy... It's a fine balance to tread...
Next, the money needs to be in new banknotes without any folds. Not only does it seem appropriate for a couple that starts a new life (new money for a new life), but it also sends the signal that you are looking forward to and have prepared well for the wedding, by taking the effort of going to the bank to get new notes. Fortunately, the Japanese like crisp and clean banknotes, so the National Bank constantly keeps churning out new money, and in fact, most times when I withdraw cash from an ATM, it spews out brand new notes. It sometimes feels as if they were being printed right there and then, feeding the demand of needy customers...
There is a wide array of specific envelopes (so-called 'goshugi bukuro') for any occasion, and one must be careful to pick the right one for a wedding, decorated with ceremonial paper cord that is knotted in a certain way that makes it difficult to untie, signifying the hope that the marriage will never be broken. Mind you, while the divorce rate in Japan is not as high as elsewhere in the world, it's definitely on the rise, so the knot on the envelope is obviously of mere symbolic character and cannot make any real promises...
Further rules apply as to the direction of the notes when you shove them into envelope, what to write on the envelope and in what way, and how to hand it over at the reception. It's never handed to the couple itself, but to the receptionist, and it must be produced from a small silk lapping cloth or a handkerchief, which prevents the 'goshugi bukuro' from bending (which would be almost as bad as giving crumpled notes), with the topside of the envelope facing right at the receptionist, using both hands.
It's enough to break out in cold sweat in the attempt to remember all the rules. Fortunately, though, the Japanese are quite forgiving when it comes to foreigners, not expecting them to get it all right, and instead appreciating the effort for at least trying. In contrast to native Japanese, who are expected to have it in their DNA and thus commit no social blunders. In reality, many have to resort to Google to find out what the exact rules are, which makes me wonder how people managed before the Internet age...
So it's fair to say that while I'm generally forgiven every possible faux-pas, this definitely does not apply to my Japanese wife.
When recently my Mum sadly passed away back in Switzerland, I informed the HR Department in my company (not least because I would need to arrange some time off to travel back to Switzerland), and I was asked whether I wanted the death to be announced to all staff or keep it private. Having seen many such staff announcements before over the years, I felt it was the right thing to do and thus asked them to announce it.
Little did I know what the consequences of this decision would be!
Because the next thing I knew was that colleagues in my department gave me condolence money, so-called 'koden', which - as you may already have guessed - is presented in specific envelopes, similar to the celebratory ones mentioned above, but in different colour and design (not to be confused!).
Considering that my colleagues obviously didn't know and had never met my mother, this surprised me.
You may already have guessed that also for 'koden' specific rules exist: Again, the numbers 4 (for 'death') and 9 (for 'suffering') are a no go - although one could argue that on this occasion they may be more appropriate...
One big difference is that in this case new notes need to be avoided at any cost, because they would imply that the giver anticipated the death and prepared for it by going to the bank to get new notes. So if only new banknotes are at hand (which is quite likely in a country with such a large amount of new notes in circulation), it is recommended to intentionally add folds and wrinkles. Luckily more easily done than the other way round...
After having received the condolence money, I wasn't quite sure what the appropriate response would be. Surely I would be expected to give my colleagues a thank-you note?
So I turned to my trusted wife, who would no doubt know what to do, as after all, she is Japanese, and has it in her DNA, right?
Well, the answer is yes and no...
I instantly learnt that a thank-you note doesn't quite cut it, and that the receiver is in fact expected to give a gift back. So far so good. But when it came to how much I should spend on that, my wife simply didn't have a clue and had to resort to Google.
It then soon emerged that the value should be more or less exactly half of the amount given by each person. Give a gift that costs more, and it would come across as pretentious. Give a gift with less than half of the value, and the person could easily be offended, thinking that you didn't appreciate their money enough.
I meant it when I said that navigating social conventions in Japan can be a minefield!
The thing is, there is an entire industry built around gifts for all occasions and with specific values, so people will always be able to look it up and find out how much you paid for the return gift. So much for not looking a gift horse in the mouth...
And it means that you had better not mess it up, in order not to offend people.
But although there is a huge industry catering for these needs (after all, people will always have weddings and funerals, right?), don't even think for a moment that the process of choosing the right return gift is easy!
My wife spent the best part of a day sourcing the appropriate gift for each giver, depending on the money they had provided...
Then, a few days later two large boxes were delivered to our house, with the neatly wrapped gifts of various sizes inside, clearly marked as return gifts for condolence money, with my name on it, and with a separate paper carrier for each gift, in order to easily hand over to each person. When it comes to providing a service in Japan, half-heartedness is definitely not the way to go about it!
Gift-giving in Japan is an art, and Japanese people excel in it - or at least they are expected to. While I had experienced many other occasions for gift-giving before, this was a new experience for me!
Even after 27 years in this country, surprises are still lurking around each corner. But just in case, there is always Google...
Wow, Rolf!!! How interesting! And difficult... I can see how easy it is for any stranger stumble upon such rules, and it always amaze me how different our cultures are.
Much easier here in Italy, at weddings you can either choose to give a present or some money (which is expected to exceed the amount you think they will pay for the wedding reception for each of their guests).
On the other end, upon someone's death, the family usually publish the announcement on the dedicated page of the local newspaper. People are expected to come and pay a visit in the two days before the funeral, preferably wearing black or dark colors, and/or at the funeral. While family members and…